some of my inner thoughts & feelings ...

as itry to gather my thoughts of what iwanna say my stomach crinches. 

idon't know if ishould be grateful or hateful.

grateful because ieven seen yuh, 

or hateful because yuh left me so soon?

iwanted yuh here,

iknow isound selfish,

buh thas how ifeel. 

this entire situation was painful, 

& forever will be.

my heart has stopped beating, 

the very second yurs did.

even though im actually still here physically,

mentally & emotionally im dead.

ipray and ask Jehovah for strength,

because ihave the hope of the resurrection,

where ican see yuh & all my other loved ones again.

& the hope of a Paradise Earth -

Paradise means a perfect state of being on Earth, with serenity.

&& my child this is how yuh where named. :))

buh iam still confused, angry, & hurt.

ioften wonder things like:

how do ilearn to cope?

how do ihold yuh 9 months, go threw labor & delivery, then leave the hospital with a lock of hair, hand & footprints, a card for a loss, & im expected to continue on like nothing?

how do icome home to nothing but a picture of yuh on the wall?

how do ijust put away yur clothes yuh never got to wear?

or toys yuh never got to play with?

how am iaffected everyday when everyone around me talks so highly about their kids?

what do ido when isee someone take their kids for granted?

what do ido when young parents complain about their kids?

how am isuppose to respond when people say 'im sorry for yur lost'?

why did Paradise have to put through so much?

why wasn't i educated on GBS?

what if the doctors would have caught the infection early?

what if Paradise was here now, how would my life be?

why were we told grunting was normal?

why isn't there any lawyers trying to help me?

why aren't mothers out here being more informed on GBS?

in the whole process, did imake the best decisions for Paradise?

icould go on & on about the things iwonder ...

*sighss....

as im sitting here with tears running down my cheeks,

im sad... buh as isaid im grateful... grateful beacause:

all of the support & love ihad by my side the entire time.

iwouldnt have made it without all of yuh <3

& for that iam forever thankful .

love yuh all <3

- RainbowSkye

P.S: 

when im havin a bad day,

like today, i like to read this scripture...

Luke 23:43

And he said to him: 

"Truly I tell you today, 

You will be with me in Paradise."

Labor & Delivery

February 7, 2011
- After going out to eat, I came home and took a shower. I wanted to be clean before having Paradise, because I knew they weren't let me shower right away. Before I knew it, it was 12 something and my aunt was ready to leave. I rode with my aunt and Bernard (my boyfriend) rode with his mom. When we got there, of course i got into the hospital gown. They then hooked me up to the baby monitors and started an IV. They never took any blood. I heard they're supposed to but they didn't for me. Anyways they checked to see if Paradise's head was down in order to start the induction. They checked my cervix and I wasn't dilated at all. They then started me on some medicine (i forgot the name) to make my cervix get weak. I was given this for at least 12 hrs. Some time after noon, they checked me & decided to start the Pitocin to bring on contractions. I became super irritated not because I was in pain, but because I had been confined to the bed for so long. My butt was even numb. I couldn't leave my room. I could online get up and sit in a chair, go to the bathroom, or go right back to the bed. I also couldn't eat anything except Jello, ice chips, and popsicles. Probably at about 8pm I started feeling contraction. They weren't as bad as many make them seem. To me it was just a really bad backache that just wouldn't go away. 2 hrs went by, my doctor came in to check me and decided to break my water. That was the most painfullest part about the whole experience! OUCH! I started to cry. But before I realized it hurt, there was just a big splash. YUCK! It really did feel like I was peeing on myself nonstop. By now I was exhausted, and my doctor told me Paradise would be here by the morning. So I decided to get the epidural. While I waited for the epidural, I got a catheter put it, since I wouldn't be able to get up later. I knew there was no way I would sleep without getting the epidural. That was another thing that i hated. It didn't hurt its just they had me sit in the most awkwardest position ever! My leg was cramping up and I wanted move, but you can't move while getting an epidural. After I got it the contractions went away instantly! I remember my nurse took a alcohol pad and wiped it on my arm, and it was cold. But when she wiped it on my leg I felt nothing!


February 8, 2011

- So throughout the night, I found my self still uncomfortable. I had to wake up my boyfriend to help me switch sides since I couldn't feel my legs. After laying on one side for so long my other side would cramp up. It was really annoying. I rested as much as possible. Because doctors and nurses were in and out I didn't sleep much. Before I knew it the sun was up and I was getting checked again. I remember my doctor telling me I was 9 cm dilated. He asked me if I wanted a c-section and I said no! I was 9 cm why would I get one now? Anyways time flew passed and around 9:00 am I was given an oxygen mask. As time progress I felt sick. My stomach felt horrible, like the room was spinning. I threw up a few times. But next thing I knew, I needed to push. I felt like if I didn't push then she was going to just pop out herself. LOL. I kept telling the nurses that I must push now! They were telling me to wait for my doctor, except I knew I couldn't. They let me start pushing. It was hard. I was out of breathe & exhausted! So i pushed a few times. Apparently, Paradise's head was stuck so they decided to use the vacuum. When using the vacuum the NICU team must be present. So I had even more nurses in the room. Next thing I know, they pushed my mom and boyfriend out the way (they were holding my legs). And started yelling at me to push, while they pressed on my stomach! They said Paradise was losing oxygen. I soon blacked out, but I remember feeling the relief of her coming out. At 10:22 am Tuesday, February 8th, 2011, Paradise Earth Serenity SimmsMarche (my soon to be best friend) and my cousins Josh & Dillian came to visit us. Minutes later my uncle and his girl Alisha came too. Things were going good! I didn't notice any grunting while our visitors were there. But Marche did ask me how come she hadn't ate all day. I told her my nurse told me newborns eat anywhere from 0-8 times in the first day of life. But Marche still insisted that it didn't seem right to her. After everyone left I finished eating and we spend some time with Paradise. Bernard decided he wanted to take a shower, so I stay with Paradise just admiring her. I was amazed that I created her with Bernard's help. My friend Gloria was on her way to see Paradise before visiting hrs were over. Visiting hrs ended at 8 pm. During Gloria's visit she was extremely fussy and I didn't know why. After Gloria left I called my nurse and she came to take Paradise to the nursery. When my nurse came back, she told me Paradise had been seen by the doctors and was okay. My nurse then told me about feeding Paradise. She brought me some bottles. I tried bottle feeding and breast feeding, but she didn't want either. As I laid down, Paradise was next to me and "seemed to be okay". So I decided that I was going to go to sleep and set my alarm for 2 am to try and feed her again. I went to sleep.

Days leading up to Paradise's arrival

June 24, 2010:
- I remember going to buy a second pregnancy test. I had already taken a Answers Pregnancy Test, which of course was positive. This time I went to the dollar store. I wasn't going to pay another $10-15 for another test. Well I bought the test and took it, of course that was positive too. I text all 3 of my best friends at the time (Natalie, Gloria, and Brittany). I was so scared to let my mom know. But the more I thought about telling her, the more my stomach knotted up. I decided to tell her since my granny was around. I knew my mom wouldn't get too upset with granny around. So I went into the kitchen and just kind of blurted out that I may be pregnant. My mom then asked if I took a pregnancy test. I told her I did and that it had been positive. She told me that we were going to go to the help department in the morning.

                                                                                    June 25, 2010
- I walked into the health department, boy was it odd. Odd because this was my moms old job. While her ex co-worker talked about her daughter leaving for college, I was taking a pregnancy test. Before I knew it the results were in! I was pregnant. I was 6 weeks and 3 days. They told me my estimated due date was 02/16/2011. After I left out, I had to break it to my mom who was in the waiting room. When I told her she cried. I was nervous but extremely happy, I had always wanted a baby.




- Months flew passed and my baby was healthy. I was taking my vitamins. I never had any morning sickness. I didn't even feel pregnant at the time.
- I was so excited because I had started working and saving my money. I knew once I found out the sex of my baby, that he/she would be super spoiled.

                                                                           September 18, 2010
- I was 4 months at the time. I was scheduled for a sonogram at the hospital to find out my baby's sex and to look at it's anatomy. My mom and my boyfriend had gone with me, but I had so many people who wanted the 411 as soon as my appointment was over. I remember being frustrated because I had to pee but I couldn't because they needed me to have a full bladder during the appointment. When they called me back I was excited. The tech showed me my baby's eyes, ears, mouth, nose, feet, fingers, spine, heart, etc. - everything was normal! I was thankful for my baby to be healthy whether boy or girl. But before I knew it, the tech asked, "So who wanted to know the sex of  the baby?" My mom, boyfriend, and I all answered that we wanted to know. He asked if we had any guessing. Again all three of us said its definitely a boy. And I will never forget the moment he told us all that we were wrong. IT WAS A GIRL! I was so excited! I had been the one wanting a girl.

- Over the next couple months I quit my job. I then started to try and get my room together. My baby-girl had more things then I did. She was taking over my room. I began to think of names... when Paradise popped in my head. Once i thought of Paradise, something told me that if would fit my daughter.

                                                                                   January 8, 2011
- My baby shower was today. I was excited. Paradise was even excited, because boy was she kicking! My aunt and I had done so much to get it organized. I thank my aunt for organizing everything. I was happy a lot of friends showed up. I got many gifts and I loved them all. I still thank everyone til this day for showing up! I also thank my mom, she made sure there was plenty food for the guest.





February 6, 2011
- This was the day of the Superbowl  XLV. I worked all day trying to get organized before Paradise came home. I wanted everything to be as good as it would get. Later on that night, I went out with my best friends Gloria, Natalie, And Hennessey one last time before I became a mother.

what is GBS?

- GBS stands for Group B Streptococcus. It is a bacterial infection which can be deadly to many. Newborns, elderly, and persons with medical problems are at risk. A person who is healthy will have no affect from gbs. Right now in the United States, GBS is becoming the leading cause of disabilities and deaths in newborns. About 25% pregnant women carry GBS. When pregnant, mothers should be tested between 35-37 weeks gestation. If the test is positive, the mother should be given antibiotics during labor. This decreases the chance of the newborn getting the infection from 1 in 4000 to 1 in 200. There is ongoing research to come up with a vaccine. 


For more information on GBS go to http://www.cdc.gov/groupbstrep/about/index.html

July is International GBS Awareness Month!